Everyday Inspirations #3

Today we speak to Ms Norma and her family about end-of-life care decisions and what it means to live life to the fullest. We hope that sharing their story will help others begin to have these important- yet often overlooked- conversations with their own loved ones.

At 90, Ms Norma was diagnosed with uterine cancer during the 2 weeks that her husband, Leo, was dying. Faced with treatment options or a stay in the local nursing home, Ms Norma chose instead to embrace life, embarking on an indefinite road trip with her son (Tim), daughter-in-law (Ramie) and their dog (Ringo). In the 9 months since, they have travelled to over 60 different campsites across America, and their story has inspired countless others. You can read about their adventures here.

 "SMILE!"- Image by Driving Ms Norma

Q1) How did you broach the topic of end-of-life planning with Ms Norma?

Tim and Ramie: We were scared to death to broach the topic. Every summer we would drive across the country to visit with Leo and Norma for a few weeks. Each time we talked about how this was going to be the year to talk about their wishes and the reality that someday they wouldn't be able to live independently in their rural home. 

There was always a to-do-list when we arrived. We would trim trees, power-wash the deck, make repairs. We would do all of these things and then it was time to go. We would put the talk off for another year.

It wasn't until we arrived to an absolute crisis that the topic was really talked about. Leo was dying and Norma had a large tumor, before Norma was ready to talk about it. 

We had not received Norma's diagnosis yet, but had a feeling it was coming when we finally brought up the topic at the kitchen table. 

Q2) What went through your mind in making your decision?

Ms Norma: I knew I couldn't stay at home by myself without Leo and I didn't like the idea of going into a nursing home. When Tim and Ramie asked if I wanted to come along with them, I thought that would be best.

Q3) What does having a good quality of life mean to you?

All: We all enjoy good food and being outdoors. We also like to see new things and are interested in the diversity the world has to offer. Now that Norma is not experiencing the side-effects of the many medications she was previously taking, her quality of life has improved tremendously. 

"She lives in the present moment and has taught us to do the same."

Enjoying the view at Niagara Falls Canada/ USA

 Tim and Ms Norma take a walk

Getting her feet wet at Hilton Head Island Beach

- Images by Driving Ms Norma

Q4) In your opinion, what is the best way to go about doing end-of-life planning?

All: We certainly are not experts in this area. This trip came about in a panic to do something that made the most sense to our family. We have learned that our story has helped other families start that difficult conversation much sooner than we were able to. With that said, the circumstances of every family are different and can change at the drop of a hat. If end-of-life talk becomes part of a normal conversation way before anyone falls ill, it will likely be much easier to modify the plans when the time comes. 

Q5) How did the medical community react to Ms Norma’s decision?

All: That is an interesting question. One of Norma's doctors begged her to undergo the standard treatment for her type of cancer, saying "Don't you want to live to be 95?" Another doctor first laid out the standard treatments (surgery, then chemotherapy and radiation in some order) assuming that we would make an appointment for surgery upon leaving his office. Once Norma told him she wasn't doing anything for the cancer and instead was traveling with us, he immediately encouraged her and said, “As doctors, we see what cancer treatment looks like every day: ICU, nursing homes, awful side effects. Honestly, there is no guarantee she will survive the initial surgery to remove the mass. You are doing exactly what I would want to do in this situation. Have a fantastic trip!”

Since our story has gone viral we hear from medical professionals every day. They are all in support of Norma's decision and wish that more elderly patients would make similar choices for themselves.

Q6) What kind of support would you have liked to have gotten from the medical community?

All: It amazes us that the choice of doing nothing is not offered. It takes a strong person with a medical advocate to overcome the pressure to continue to treat a condition, especially when the treatment could very well lead to a much poorer quality of life. 

Q7) How has Ms Norma’s condition been since hitting the road? 

Tim and Ramie: We have taken her off all her medications (there were several) with one exception (thyroid medication.) We have noticed an increase in her energy and her brain function. She had many side- effects that impacted her quality of life that have now gone away. She is quick to smile and is in no pain.

 Getting a kiss at Georgia Aquarium

  Giving it a go at NC Therapeutic Riding Center

Tim suprises Ms Norma with a lobster

- Images by Driving Ms Norma

Q8) What has been the most rewarding part of your journey thus far?

All: Never in our wildest dreams did we think anyone would care about our family's simple solution to a common issue. Many people take in their parents at this stage of their lives. Our home just happens to have wheels. 

We started a Facebook page so that our friends and family would know where we were in the country. We have since gone viral and we hear heart-warming and heart-wrenching stories from our many followers, and they also give us love and support. 

"People from all over the world are now saying "yes!" to living, not just to life. That is rewarding."

Q9) Do you have any regrets?

Ms Norma: Oh, no. I can't think of anything.

Ms Norma fulfills her dream of riding in a hot air balloon!- Image by Driving Ms Norma

Q10) Looking forward, where do you think Driving Ms Norma is headed?

All: Right now Norma intends to travel with us for the remainder of her days. She would love to see the redwoods in California, so we will probably head in that direction later this year.

Q11) Do you have any advice for others who are facing end-of-life care decisions?

All: We certainly aren't in the business of giving advice. We believe this is a very personal decision and we hope that everyone has the strength to be clear about the ones they make. 

In our case, we supported Norma and didn't try to change her mind. Having us by her side when she was talking to the doctors gave her the strength to stand up to them without feeling pressured to do something she really didn't want to do. She knew we had her back, if you will.

Many have shared stories of their dying loved-ones who made the choice to artificially extend their lives just to please loved ones. Their final days were neither peaceful nor natural. The writers tell us they wish they had not pressured them to fight when those extra days, weeks or months were filled with pain, discomfort and strife. Fortunately, we were all on the same page.

Mother and son climbing Cadillac Mountain in Acadia National Park- Image by Driving Ms Norma 

Thank you for sharing your story!

Everyday Inspirations #2

Interview with a solo traveller

Today we chat with Jamie* about solo travelling and the 9 month mostly overland trip she took from Spain to Singapore. If you have ever wanted to know about the safety/ logistics of solo travelling or are interested in her takeaways, then do read on ☺

(*Note: name has been changed as she preferred the anonymity.)

“Alone, but how could this be lonely? There are the mountains, the earth, the wind, the stillness, the history.”- Image by Jamie*

1) What made you decide to take your first solo trip?

This wasn’t my first solo trip, and by then, I had already been travelling by myself such that travelling solo wasn’t a question anymore.

I love travelling alone primarily because of the independence and freedom I have in every decision, and that it opens me up to many more people.

2) How long was the trip and where did you go?

9 months mostly overland from Spain to Singapore (see map).

Europe Leg

Asia Leg

3) How were the logistics?

I spent a total of SGD 2400 in the 9 months, including visas, flights, food, accommodation (or the lack of).

I took off with a 20 kg backpack, which included my DSLR and electronics, some food I emptied out of my fridge, and all the winter and summer clothes I thought I might need. I left everything else behind in Edinburgh.

The first 30min carrying this “monster” backpack (it was given this name by one of my fellow hosts on my journey) was heavy and long. I wasn’t sure if it was practical or possible to handle it for the next… year. It got lighter and I got stronger over the days.

I spent USD 2 on accommodation for the 9 months. $0.50 to a cute old lady whom I didn’t feel the need to explain what I was doing, and $1.50 at a place near the hospital where I refused to be hospitalised; both in Nepal. The other days I would have couchsurfed, stayed with friends/strangers, spent the night in a police station, been invited to my hitchhiking drivers’ homes, slept in a cave with a shepherd and his 200 goats… I had a roof over my head everyday, except for one night in an old town in Croatia. But even then the decision was voluntary (the roof offered to me was an hour in the other direction I was hoping to go to), and I took my roofless opportunity to experience the nightlife in the city. With my monster.

Dec 2014, Užice and Sevojno, Serbia, Hitchhiking in the fog- Image by Jamie*

For transport I mostly hitchhiked: with buses, cars, trucks, motorbikes, trains… It wasn’t so much a restriction I imposed on myself; I chose whatever the most convenient and comfortable way was. I snuck onto trains in India for long distance travels (without consent from the conductors of course, so you can't really call it hitchhiking.) I had to take a couple of flights due to visa problems (e.g. Iran, Pakistan, Myanmar).

Communication was never really a big problem. The basic words you really need like “water”, “food”, “house” can easily be communicated by a few charades. I am very interested in languages, so I try to learn the local language where I am. I also found out that learning the local language (even if very basic) will always open you up to a lot more people, their culture, and unexpected experiences.

For food- (laughs)- the best idea is to find families! There will always be a mummy (or occasionally, a daddy) who cooks the best local food, and will take care of you as if you were their child. I love cooking, so I try to learn recipes and go to local markets wherever I go.

4) Were there any points where you felt unsafe?

The first time I felt unsafe was when I arrived in India. I was told by every single person who had learnt about my plan to visit India alone as a female, that I was ‘stupid’ to go there alone. The sexual assault stories were all familiar to me by then. “Be careful and good luck,” they said.

Naturally, I was paranoid and on my guard the moment I arrived in India. But I realized that these views are not always true - India turned out to be not very different from the other places I had been. I soon felt safe again.

How would you advise solo travellers on unsafe situations?

Try to prevent any unsafe situation: 1) Don’t take unnecessary risks. 2) Respect the culture - do your research of the law and customs - eg. You can get arrested for not wearing the Hijab in Iran. In India, don’t wear shorts to attract unnecessary attention. 3) Make agreements with yourself about what you will and will not do. For me, I don’t (or at least, try not to) hitchhike overnight or roam the streets alone at night in certain countries.

If you are already in an unsafe situation: stay calm and have a clear head- focus on finding a way out rather than feeling afraid.

5) Were there any times you felt lonely?

There is a distinction between lonely and alone. You can be alone and be perfectly at peace with it. Even though I was travelling alone, I was never once lonely. I was always meeting new people everyday. I am also very comfortable just being with myself. In fact, it is important to me to have some personal time.

There was only one time, at the eight-month mark in Nepal, that I missed home and being around the comfort of family and friends. It was when a few unfortunate events hit me at once - I had food poisoning, was on post-exposure rabies vaccination, had a very bad allergic reaction… and on top of these the Nepal earthquake happened. There was a moment I did feel that it would have been nice to just have someone telling me everything was going to be okay…

May 2015, Pokhara, Kaski, Nepal- Image by Jamie*

6) What did you learn?

I learnt so many things. I learnt about love, religions, humanity…

I also learnt that the ‘poorest’ people are often the ones that share the most. The less you have, the more you know how to share or give.

I was very lucky to experience many sides of some places, from staying in a rich uptown neighbourhood, to sharing a small living space with a family who had recently managed to get out of a slum. Even if the family did not have much, they would share whatever food they had with me. They would even pack lunch for me as they were worried about what food I would be able to find outside. 

7) The best moment(s) of the trip?

Everyday was really special to me… There were many moments I remember being driven to tears, seeing how lucky I was to have met so many amazing people.

To share with you one, I can tell you about my most romantic friend. I call him that not because we had romantic feelings for each other, but because what we did together was just so special. He was really so sweet.

I wanted to hitchhike to the mountains in Iran. It was winter. He told me, “No hitchhiking. Also no people go there, so cold. You no go mountains.” I shrugged it off and insisted that I would find a way. The next day, he told me he wanted to show me something. We got into a car with his 2 other friends -a girl and a boy- (in his religion in the country, a boy and a girl cannot be alone together). He drove off and I didn't even ask where we were going- I love surprises. And then I saw the mountains. I was so touched - he had taken leave from work, borrowed a car, called his friends and made all the plans, just so that his silly friend could get her wish to visit the mountains. We had a lovely picnic in the mountains with a spread of food and drinks (Man, Iranians sure know how to do a picnic.), and a lovely short hike in snow and ice. We picked and ate ‘ice lollipops’ along the trail.

We got into the car and I thought we must be heading home now, after such a lovely day. Until I noticed the rickety car driving over sand… and I saw many people paragliding from the sand dunes.

“My friend. A pilot. You fly? With him?” he asked me.

We ended the day with climbing the sand dunes, watching the sunset, talking about life at the top, and sitting by a fire under the starry night in the desert.

It is the culture in Iran to give gifts to guests. I told him that I didn’t need any material items. So he gave me this wrist band. He wanted to remind me to fulfil my dream to rock climb.

8) Any regrets?

No (laughs). I wouldn’t trade anything for all the people I have met. Of course there is a bit of sadness. You meet so many amazing people that touch and shape your life but it is physically and emotionally impossible to share a life together all the time (or if at all). For some you may never see them again. Relationships are intense but fleeting.

I still keep in touch with some of them through the internet, but it will never be the same as being with them. And there are others where there is simply no way of keeping in touch - they may not have internet, or even an address in the village, or maybe we don’t speak the same language. But, at the same time, this has taught me the ephemerality of things. I am grateful we crossed each other’s paths, no matter how brief. I will always remember them.

9) Looking forward, do you think you will be taking more solo trips or travelling with others?

It depends on my objective of each trip. I enjoy travelling solo and will probably continue doing so, but I would also like to share the experiences with a selected few (e.g. my younger brother).

It’s also great to have a travel partner in many ways - 2 brains are always better than 1, you learn from and about your partner, he/she may see the same things in a different perspective, and sometimes just having someone with you adds a sense of security. It also makes it logistically easier- you share the load and costs. But it is extremely important that person’s travel expectations align with your own.

10) What advice would you give to someone who is thinking about taking their own solo trip?

Be open minded, respect differences.

Everyone travels differently, so figure out your own style. And bon voyage :)

Thank you for sharing your story!